So I am about one and a half months till graduation and I have never been more scared in my life. I am scared I am going to utterly fail at the class I am being overwhelmed with at the moment. I am scared that when schools over, that life will not be what I had always hoped it would be. I am scared of leaving all I have known behind...
17 years ago, I started school. It began at Colbert Heights Elementary, where I left in 6 grade, to Northside Middle School, then graduated from Deshler High School. Every time I went to a different school, it was one step closer to the real world. Now, I am possibly about 1.5 months from graduation at UNA and it is like it all went by in a flash.
In all honesty, I never thought I would make it to see myself in college, much less about to be done. Ill be the first person in my family line to graduate and the pressure, despite how I know it isn't intentional, is there. I am just scared I won't find a good job and I will forever be trapped here, in Alabama, to rot in the trash that is this place.
It was an OK place to grow up but there is nothing left here for me, job wise or future wise. The only thing I have left here is the very few friends I have and my family. I am ready to leave, and at the same time, too scared to.
I wonder, despite working hard in school, trying to be a good person, and doing all I can for the people I love, that I did wrong when it came to growing up though. I have never had a successful relationship with anyone I was in love with, and only been with one of possibly 3 people Ive been in love with. I don't want pity or anyone to feel sorry for me. I just want to know what I did wrong early on that made me this way. What comes easy for just about 75% of all other guys, seems to be like Calculus or Astrophysics to me. I can make great grades, pass tests with ease, and everything like text, facts, books, comes so easy. But when it comes to something like love, I am completely inept at understanding it, receiving it, and having it work out. Despite what several friends have told me and such, I can't change who I am, how I feel, how I approach situations, etc. Its ingrained in me and I have really tried to follow advice, but my original feelings and thoughts come back and its failure as usual. But at this point, I'm not looking for anyone. Between finishing school and looking for a REAL job, It just doesn't seem like there is time for anyone. Maybe something will happen to change my mind but I am not holding out for it.
So what are my future plans? Well I have two particular "dreams" I guess you would call them. One is get in to the FBI and make a nice chunk of change and have the few material things I desire, which are really only a decent house, better car (one that doesn't need to be in the shop every 3 weeks), and enough money to take at least one NICE vacation a year. My other dream, as probably a lot of people close to me know, is to work at Disney World, possibly in loss prevention/security. Ill explore this in my next blog in more detail but this is my real dream (it is just dependent on how much I can make at this job if I really pursue it).
Either way, I am leaving Alabama. It this leaving home, all I have ever known, that depresses me. Not because this place is great because it is pretty horrid, but I will miss every single person I am close to. I don't want to say goodbye just yet....
